This was posted on a web site and cracked me up.
ER Weekend call schedule
Surgery: Dr. Johansen is on call for general surgery. Please remember that he does not like to operate on children or the uninsured. He also considers trauma an enormous inconvenience. If you have gall bladder patients, patients with appendicitis, or patients with acute diverticulitis, you may contact him after the CT scan has been read and the patient sedated and prepped. Please remember, as Dr. Johansen says, If it isn’t on the CT scan, I won’t operate on it. Anything else that is marginally surgical should be admitted to family medicine, and those practitioners may consult him after lengthy discussions by phone. Dr. Johansen is covering for Dr. Michaels and Dr. Pugh, but not Dr. Delacore, who has pissed off everyone. Dr. Delacore, incidentally, will not be available; he will be intoxicated this weekend. All of his patients should be transferred to anyone who will accept them.
Pediatrics: Dr. Margaret Star-Smith is on call for pediatrics. She will be covering patients for Dr. Janice Adkins-Barker and Dr. Alisha Carter-Wong. Dr. Yolanda Rodriguez-Saleem will be in the office on Saturday and Sunday morning, and will also be seeing patients for Dr. Karen Strinksy-Butts. Dr. Moira Harris is on sabbatical until after her elective insertion of a hyphen.
Family Medicine: Dr. Inman has sold his soul to Satan, and therefore is covering all patients for the entire family medicine service so he can take next week off for the Dungeons and Dragons convention. (If you want to get on his good side, refer to him as Exalted Elf Lord of the Far Havens.) Please remember that he normally has one patient in the hospital at a time, but this weekend will have 45. If he seems irritable, it’s only because he is. When contacting Dr. Inman, remember to call his cell phone. After his profane tirade, call back on his pager. Or vice versa. You won’t be right the first time. Ever. You can discuss his subsequent complaint with administration on Monday. When Dr. Inman comes to the emergency department for the admission, have coffee ready, with large amounts of sugar and cream. Also have the AMA forms available; those he sees tend to sign out of the hospital in anger. As an exception to the schedule, Dr. Morganstern is covering for gerontology patients for the weekend. You must contact him for all demented, febrile patients from extended care facilities. He will then give you permission to call Dr. Inman (Exalted Elf Lord of the Far Havens) for him.
Internal Medicine: Dr. Reynolds will be taking call for general internal medicine. Be advised that anyone admitted to internal medicine with abdominal pain will require surgical consultation, anyone with chest pain will require cardiology consultation, and anyone with shortness of breath will require pulmonology consultation. Patients with cancer will need to have oncology consultation, and diabetics will have to see endocrinology during their hospital stay. If the patient has any complex metabolic abnormality, please know the appropriate endocrine pathways in order to answer obscure questions about why you didn’t order enough laboratory studies.
Cardiology: Dr. Reester and Dr. Kohl are covering for the Heart Institute and the Institute for Heart care respectively. Please be careful not to confuse the patients of these two bitter enemies. Rotate unassigned consults between them. Hospital administrators have stated in no uncertain terms that they wish to avoid another car-burning incident like the one that occurred last spring between said cardiologists. Dr. Reester prefers to be contacted by phone. Dr. Kohl can be found sleeping on the floor of the emergency department so he doesn’t miss any possible business.
Neurology: Dr. Drexel is on call for neurology. Please perform a detailed neurologic examination before calling Dr. Drexel. That is, obtain any and all possible imaging studies, which now serve as neuro exams. It also would be helpful if you actually try to remember some neurologic pathways. And please remember the neurology axiom: If there’s blood on the brain, the patient needs a neurosurgeon. If there isn’t, then the patient probably needs to be admitted to internal medicine. Do NOT call Dr. Drexel at home. He is sleeping with an unnamed nurse from the fourth floor, and his wife will only scream, He doesn’t live here anymore! He’s with that (expletive)! when you ask for him at home. Dr. Drexel has recently been inundated with patients diagnosed with unnamed pain syndromes, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, dystonia, and pseudo-seizures after Dr. Rivenbark was convicted of narcotics trafficking, and therefore is apt not to be his normal, cuddly self. If he curses you and then comes to the hospital in a snit, security has been authorized to use pepper spray.
Psychiatry: Dr. Joseph is on call for psychiatry, except for the following patients, whom he feels that our facility is not equipped to handle: the suicidal, the frankly psychotic, the drug or alcohol addicted, the bipolar, the violent/angry, the adolescent, the elderly demented, and the profoundly depressed. Please contact Dr. Joseph for consultation on anyone who is mildly unhappy, socially awkward, feelin’ da blues, or afraid of cats.
ENT: Dr. Madden is covering ENT emergencies, which can be defined as his own patients with post-operative tonsil bleeding. This month, Dr. Madden does not do mandible fractures, facial fractures, blow-out fractures, or facial abscesses. For airway or vascular ENT emergencies, remember that Dr. Madden lives 20 minutes away. And Madden’s rule goes like this: If it isn’t an airway or vascular emergency, you don’t need me. If it is, I’ll be too late to help.
Pulmonology: Dr. Lesterman is covering all pulmonary patients, all ventilator patients, and all ICU patients, just like he does every day of the year. We can only assume that he is taking some experimental chemical to constantly care for his endless hordes of smoking emphysema patients. If he falls asleep in his chair, simply prop him in the corner for an hour or so. He’ll be back.
Anesthesiology: Dr. Hatfield is covering anesthesia, except for patients in the pain clinic, who are normally covered by Dr. Tomlinson. Dr. Tomlinson is out of town. Pain clinic patients can be referred to an individual known only as Pimpy, who can provide narcotic refills for the weekend.
Trauma center: When transferring patients to Regional Trauma, remember that Dr. Alvera, chief of trauma, has agreed to accept all trauma directly. No one else on the trauma team, including residents, understands this reality. You will have to speak to a student, an intern, a junior resident, a senior resident, and ultimately to a staff surgeon to have the patient accepted. Also, please finish the work-up including all imaging and preliminary surgeries prior to transfer within the Golden 12 hours.
Pathology: Why would you even bother?
Dentistry: Just kidding!
Dermatology: Got you again!
Good luck until Monday morning!