Two guys drink themselves to within 10 g/DL of 500 then drive themselves into a pole. Luckily their smash in the car was at low speed compared to how smashed they were.
They spend the night in the ER making drunken jokes in Spanish to each other.

Me: “Sir, have you been drinking?”

Mr Bacchanal: “Yeeeessshhh. *burp* Damn right I been!”

Me: “How much?”

Mr B:” However much I can get my damn hands on!!”

A). I walk in the room and you greet me with “Yo, what-da fuck up cuz!?”

B). You’re a drunken dope who cut his face and you keep telling me “Don’t fuck this shit up, I’m a model!” while I’m suturing you.

C). You say “Fuck this shit don’t work!” and you throw the Motrin offered to you on the floor.

D). You say “Oh my God, I’m gonna vomit!!” and then you stick your finger down your throat and then throw up.