Top chief complaint least likely to get me rushing over to see you:

“I think I need my prostate massaged”

Normally, I prefer interesting, sick cases over the routine stuff. Not between the hours of 11pm and 4am though.  Not when they come in all at once. Not when I am by myself on the overnight shift.  I’ll take some regular ‘ole CHF any day over:

1. Sigmoid sinsus thrombosis in someone who randomly fell and hit their head.

2. Severe hypocalcaemia from an overenthusiastic thyroidectomy with carpoedal spasm, seizures, and strabismus.

3. A baby with intussusception

4. A young man with likely toxic shock syndrome from God-know’s where.

5. A woman with a big ball of half chewed spagetti and Italian bread lodged in her esophagus.

6. A guy with a recurrent head bleed that no one can figure out what the cause is – despite massive MRI and angiographical workups.

7. A guy with a giant thrombosed haemorrhoid – well, that one was cool. I incised it and got the mother of all clots out.

Me: “Sir, I notice you are here for testicular pain and swelling as well as a discharge from your penis”

26 year old normal appearing male: “Yeah, for the last week there’s pus and blood coming out in my semen when I ejaculate.”

Me: “I see. I presume you are sexually active? Have you had unprotected sex?”

Pt: “Yeah, three weeks ago  – but then nothing til last night when I met a new girl”

Me: “You had unprotected sex with a woman knowing you were ejaculating pus and blood?!?!?”

Pt: “Yeah, I know that’s kinda bad,  but at least I didn’t do it in her mouth.”

Me: “That’s still bad” (while staving off the urge to vomit)